|the only place i could think of
||[Apr. 21st, 2008|07:47 pm]
well it has been an awfully long time. |
i have had about 3 other accounts on lj since this one, but i just want a chance to write
and not have it read or i dont know
i just need to sort out my head.
so im sitting here in my sitting room, with my laptop on my knee. my dad is opposite me watching snooker, and my mum is in the kitchen.
my head is like dithering about.
i dont know what i feel but im unsettled. i feel like im not like im meant to be.
like i could be so much more.
like im not good enough to what i need to be and was set out to be.
i dont look right.
im not thin enough.
there are sooooo many things and doors that would open for me if i lost weight.
i want to lose and lose and loseeeee..... but if i lost 20lbs... it would change my life.
i was out with this guy im seeing on saterday night, and his friend who has a girlfriend, was drooling over this girl that was at the club we were at and that he used to date.
he was saying how she was sooo fit and soooo beautiful (this isnt the guy im seeing saying this, its his friend) well anyway, then he sed, but she is too thin. and my guy, Tom, was like naaaaah, she has an amzing body, Tom's friend was then like, yeh but im not a fan of too thin, i feel like im going to break them, and Tom was like nooooooooooo, thin girls are amazing man, you cant be like that with every girl thats thin, i mean some are just naturally like that. and im walking along next to them feeling like the curviest fastest lump ever.
i know he would find me sooo much more attractive. and i like him. i mean i REALLLY like him. i think i might love him, and i have never loved anyone before.
alos, at college..... omg. if i was thinner, when i am dancing, i will look soooo much better!!! it would make a big differance to how my teachers see me, because the overal effect of a dancer includes how they look, and if i looked better, thinner, better, they would see me differently. i know this because when i look at girls in my college i think the same. being thin an pretty is half of the battle.
i know that if i was my life to be better, and for me to not be soo down all the time, i need to be thinner. and i know i can get there, i know i can lose weight, it can be done.
its just everytime i strart over, i dont know what happens to me. i lose the will to do it, although the whole time im eating, and going against it, my head ios screaming at me STOP!!!! but i just dont, and i arrange in my head to start again at a later date and it just goes on and on and on and i just cant seem to do it and get it and i do so many things that would start me off like i tell myself this is the end of my lifestyle as it is. i know what i have to do so do it and i will be so much happier, and i actually know i would be. but as soon as i start up again i just go against everything iv just promised myself. and iv said to myself everytime that thsi is the last time i go back on myself... but i just do it again and again and im just fed up and drowing in these screaming thoughts that just never stop and this disgusting body and hands that put all this disgusting food into my disgusting mouth.
my clothes arent good enough either.
there are si many clothes out there that i want to buy and i sound so materialistic and stupid but looking good is something that fills a happiness in me that nothing else can fill.
thats the only way i can discribe it. when i feel thin, and pretty and perfect it the best feeling i have ever felt. well... what i get close to it feels close to how i will feel.
i still bite my nails.
im 17 years old, and have been biting my nails since i was 2. they look horribble, i want to stop so badly but i can never actually do it.
i want my nails to have permanant chipped black nail varnish. i like that.
all the clothes that i want to buy... i cant do it. i cant go out and buy them because they just dont look good on me. they will, when i ma thinner, but at the moment there is no point having them. an i just feel like such a fat failure.
i dont want to lose tom. the last two days i feel like his slightly more distant. and i hate it. i like him so much and i dont know what to do to make him like me more. well, i do know what i can do. i can lose weight and stop biting my nails and look the way i want to, and have less spots, and always be smooth shaven and moisturised and have my hair perfect and no spots and act like i should and know all the right music and just be FUCKING PERFECT.
I WANT IT SOO MUCH IM SITTING HERE AND TRYING NOT TO CRY.
i cant make it happen fast enough either.
even if i did everything i could to make it happen and started right now, it wont happen fast enough for me.
but it will happen faster than if i started tomorrow or the next day like i always fucking do.
i have to make this happen.
because until i do im going to be filling with these feelings of inadequecy and failure.
voices of versions of myself screaming at my through my head for me to stop and yet my disgusting self carrying on anyway.
i need to learn
to be what i am meant to be.